Grooming: Scam, Cult or sexual assault

* People generally associate the term 'grooming' as an adult's intention to manipulate and control a child.

However, Adult grooming is the adult equivalent to child grooming and applies to any behaviour where an adult is deliberately prepared in order for abusive behaviour, manipulation or exploitation to occur later.

There are basically 6 stages of grooming

First 3 are the same as if you were looking for a partner 4, 5 and 6 is where things change

1. Targeting, selecting or seducing a vulnerable person.

To select someone with the traits they’re looking for, age, looks, circumstance.

Which if you think about it is the same as if you were looking for a partner. You would look for age, looks, gender and circumstance, (single).

The circumstances that a predator also looks for in an individual is that they are open to being manipulated; that could be something missing in their life, low self-esteem, being left out, lonely, physical disability and mental capacity.

2. Gain their trust.

Establish a connection, make them feel safe, valued, feel heard, noticed.

Let me do that for you, I’ll help you with that.

Which again is the same as if you meet them through normal social interaction.

3. Fill a gap or a need.

Don’t have a partner, might PLAY a role to fill a gap or need emotionally or mental state of their target: lonely, no one to talk to, helpful, love life, boost their self-esteem, basically they are going to tell them what they want to hear and be the one who understands them.

Which happens naturally when meeting a partner.

Up to this point it could be someone who genuinely wants to get to know you

But this is where it changes.

4. Isolate the target:

If it’s a cult they would want you away from support, If it’s a money scam they don’t want you to talk with someone who you trust to advise them, and if it’s sex they don’t want anyone to know what’s happening

They want to break the relationship that their target has with others who will genuinely support them. Friends, family etc. I’ll walk you home, I’ll give you a lift, you don’t need to be with them.

Turn them against their support, people who could advise them something isn’t right.

Could even weaponize support groups against them, by talking behind their back.

5.a Cults, Extreme religious movements and social groups

This is extremely appealing to lonely and isolated individuals looking to belong. They will start to show you how good it is to be with others who feel the same and who accept you. Slowly at first, maybe just 1 other person, then they could suggest that you attend gatherings, slowly get you more comfortable until you are persuaded to join, until you feel that you have made the decision to join not them.

5.b Financial abuse/ coercion.

Again things happen slowly, if straight after you met someone they asked for $10,000 of course you would say NO, but if they have done all the other steps first, you may want to meet them if it’s online, or help them if it’s in person: it could be something like “I know I could get this done I just need to find $10,000” they don’t ask they suggest, then you offer, they accept. So it feels like it was your idea.

5.c Sexualise behaviour.

Gradually exposing the target to contact, hand on the shoulder, hand on the knee, hugs small things to start so they don’t realise what’s happening. This will slowly increase to nudity possibly porn until it becomes normal.

If this was happening online the photos and suggestions would slowly increase until it’s normal to share explicit images.

6. Maintain Control

Show that no one else could care for you how they do, or that no one else would even want to, they want you solely dependent on them, the abuser.

Self-esteem, Financial, Power, emotional

This all happens slowly, like the frog who didn’t realize they were being boiled.

Put into a pot of cold water and the heat slowly increased until it was boiling.

You don’t even realise it’s happening.

Always remember this is not your fault, this is what they do and probably have done this many times over until they perfect it.

So, what can we all do to prevent this.

Remember the first three stages are quite common in general social interactions and relationship building. Whilst the act of grooming may happen in stages, it is important to understand, depending on a person's level of vulnerability and the perpetrators confidence and experience, the first three signs of grooming can be skipped or the act may not happen in such a sequence.

After that the isolation part is where the red flags are, anytime someone wants to break away from your support beware.

So if you are going out with someone introduce them to friends, go out in a group if they like you they will go out in a group with you, if they won’t something could be wrong.

If online mention it to friends or family to support you, meet in a public place, if something doesn’t feel right let people know.

If you’re a parent, learn who your children’s friends are, what they’re doing and watch for changes in behavior.

It is important to be aware that a groomer tends to groom a child's family to become close to the child. Such as gift giving, offering to mentor your child, offering to coach your child or babysit to cross social boundaries.

It is also important to Be Aware of what your child is doing online and become familiar with e-safety.

E-safety commissioner

https://www.esafety.gov.au/

If you have older parents, keep in touch, older people are likely to be targeted for financial scams.

In all watch out for each other and talk to the people you trust to advise you.